Okay, I really didn't mean to scare anyone yesterday. I was a bit beside myself. I really needed to discuss something with Todd, who has been so busy with work due to covering a partial shift he isn't getting home until after I've taken Bekah to school. I did get a chance to speak with him last evening and I'm feeling better than yesterday. Thanks so much for all the well-wishes and prayers.
I took some of my frustrations out on my poor trees. A Bradford Pear, Profusion Crab apple and a Magnolia. They needed a thorough pruning and look better. The Magnolia is still a bit top-heavy but better than when I started. I went to start on the Honeysuckle that is trying to take over my lilac and was greeted by a very large garden spider. A beautiful thing, really. Such intricate details in her web. As frightened as I was of her I couldn't help but watch her and later photograph her. I let her be. She was busy eating "dinner" as I went in.
Okay, so that is how I dealt with my issue. The bigger issue that was handed to me yesterday. The one I wasn't sure how to process or come to terms with...
I hate to be the "victim" so please don't feel sorry for me. The past few years have been hard on me emotionally. I started having depression prior to becoming pregnant with my little Aubrey. After her birth I developed post-natal depression and was being treated through counseling and drug therapy. When I became pregnant with who would have been, Eryn...there were immediate concerns regarding medications and side effects with the embryo/fetus. After loosing the baby and dealing with the D&C my depression worsened. Again, medication (increased) and therapy.
Yesterday, during one of these therapy sessions, I was told that I may actually be bipolar. The only treatment...drug therapy. Drug therapy that has some very serious side effects. I'm not very accepting of this idea. Now, I have to go through some assessments and tests so they can pinpoint what type of bipolar disorder that I have. Its just one more thing to deal with. The problem I have is that my girls could be effected later. It is a genetic issue.
This was the issue at hand yesterday. Its the issue at hand today. I've got research to do and tests to schedule and I'm not really certain what lays ahead. What I do know...the friends that responded to my post were so kind and caring and reading your comments made me feel better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! It really means so much to me that you took the time to cheer me up and let me know that you had concerns. We really are never as alone as we think.
Today, I decided to focus my attentions elsewhere and spent the afternoon in the field ministry. I had two sisters with me who have severe and even terminal illnesses. They are out there though, sharing bible principles and scriptures with people and trying to bring hope and comfort to strangers. I'm really glad I went with them. It was a wonderful lesson for me. I might be a wee bit worse for ware but I'm not broken. I'll keep on trying my best to live with purpose, be the best wife, mother and friend that I can be.
Thanks again to all of my blogger friends who reached out to me. It was and is very much appreciated.